I’m going to cut to the chase.
This week’s Twisted Mix-Tape consists of Christmas songs. Since it’s after December 1, it’s safe to post them. I have a thing about Christmas music before Thanksgiving: it’s wrong.
I’ll let you in on a little secret: I loathe most Christmas songs. I don’t mean the old school type songs and performances where someone belts out Oh Holy Night and it brings a tear to your eye. I’m talking about most of the commercial pap that assaults you in stores from now until the end of the year. Stuff like The Christmas Shoes, a song that makes me want to kick puppies.
I like the twisted Christmas songs; the more twisted, the better. And how appropriate that I include my favorite twisted Christmas songs on a Twisted Mix-Tape.
1.Red Peters- “You Ain’t Getting Sh*t for Christmas” (Warning: Naughty Words)
There have been times in my life when I wanted to tell someone to shove a fruitcake up their ass during the Christmas season, mostly rude people and those who insist there’s a war on Christmas. Thank you, Red Peters, for saying it for me.
2. Princess Leia’s Song from the Star Wars Holiday Special
I was eight years old when the Star Wars Holiday Special aired on television it’s one and only time. I do have a vague recollection of it, but after seeing this entire two-hour controlled substance-fuelled trainwreck as an adult (yes, with the Rifftrax), I think I know why I have only a vague recollection of this: I was blocking out the trauma.
As legend has it, Carrie Fisher aka Princess Leia was higher than the International Space Station when she sang this song for “Life Day”, which occurred after the traditional Wookie re-enactment of Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody video. I can’t really blame her, because after an excruciating two hours of bleating, Harvey Korman starring in a series of unfunny clips, Chewbacca’s father getting aroused watching the virtual reality porn that Art Carney brought him, older, beloved celebrities sacrificing their dignity for work, and I’d want to be coked out of my gourd, too.
If you ever try to watch this, I seriously recommend watching it with the Rifftrax because it lessens the pain.
3. Rusty Chevrolet-Da Yoopers
If you’re from Wisconsin and Michigan, you know who Da Yoopers are. This isn’t really a Christmas song so much as it is a parody of a Christmas song. Da Yoopers are more known for their stirring anthem, Second Week of Deer Camp. I don’t get to hear Da Yoopers out here in South Dakota, so this entry is a little self-serving.
Plus how many songs do you know that reference Nagaunee, Michigan?
4. Holy Sh*t, It’s Christmas!-Red Peters (NSFW)
This is the best parody of Alvin & the Chipmunks ever. It’s also the filthiest. Those naughty little hamsters. Brought to you by the artist who also brought you the previous, You Ain’t Getting Sh*t for Christmas ans Ballad of a Dog Named Stains.
5. Oh Holy Night
I saved the best for last. I stumbled upon this song a few years ago and the first time I heard it, I literally fell out of my chair, hands clutching at my stomach, and laughing so hard, my gut cramped up while tears poured out of my eyes. This is a parody of the type of over sung pap I can’t stand and the guy who did this absolutely NAILED it!
If it were not for Steve Mauldin and his wonderful parody, I don’t know how I could get through the holidays sober and without facing an assault charge. My favorite part begins at 2:13. It gets better when his voice cracks.