NFL Week 7: Throwback Weekend
Well, it’s week 7 in the NFL and I’m back with the snark. Since I had a Big Project land in my lap, and I was kind of busy with it, I wasn’t able to save tweets. Plus most of my fellow Packer Twitterers were in Green Bay for Throwback Weekend III: Return of the Jedi, so my Twitter TL was actually kind of quiet.
So for this week, I will attempt to recreate my Twitter feed during Packers games, but without making fake graphic representations of Tweets because I don’t have time for that right now. Big Project.
Green Bay had the late game. Since it was on CBS, I decided that I was going to spare myself from watching Dallas vs. Philly and whoever got to announce it because if it were Joe Buck, I’ve had more of him than I can take this week. I turned it on CBS and half paid attention to the Patriots-Jets game. It was pretty uneventful until I heard Dan Dierdorf use the phrase “man on man” when he should have used “man to man”.
There is a difference, Dan. One has to do with two dudes banging each other and the other has to do with football.
But then the first game went into OT, so all of those people who went to TBWIII, had Sunday Ticket or watched from one of those streaming sites that put viruses on your computer and those who live in Wisconsin got to see the entire game. For those of us who didn’t, there were a lot of Rage Tweets that went something like “CBS, you suck” and “get this shit off my TV” and then here was hella rage when Jermichael Finley scored at TD and most of the country didn’t get to see it because we were stuck watching Patsies and Jets.
I threatened to hold Tom Brady hostage and use Walmart brand hair products on him and make him wear knock off Uggs if they didn’t end the game in a timely manner. I was about to put Rex Ryan on my shit list and come up with ways to taunt him by using his foot fetish against him , but the Jets scored the winning FG and the game was over.
You win, Rex Ryan. This time.
So then, after that game ended, CBS…WENT TO COMMERCIAL! Those bastards!!
When we finally got to see the game, thirty seconds later, there were MORE COMMERCIALS!!
Once the rage tweets ceased, then the subject turned to the Packers Throwback uniforms. They wore the same throwbacks they’ve been wearing for the last few years, except the helmets were yellow and not brown.
The yellow helmets were ugly and distracting.
I’m not sure why they were wearing yellow helmets instead of the brown ones, unless someone thought that if the Packers wore the brown throwback helmets, it would confuse people because their opponent was the Cleveland Browns.
Except the Cleveland Browns’ helmets are orange.
I guess people really are that stupid. I weep for the future of humanity.
But I remind myself that things could be much worse for the Packers in regards to throwback uniforms.
Then Davon House, (which was pronounced correctly by the broadcast team of Kevin Harlan and Solomon Willcots) had an INT, well, because he’s wearing #31 and seriously channeling Al Harris,Twitter was all about Davon House.
Now Al Harris was one of my favorite Packers ever. When he and Charles Woodson were in tandem on the defense, other teams’ offenses peed themselves out of fear. So I am very happy to see that Davon House is filling Al Harris’s shoes and doing justice to #31.
Chris Warcraft aka Chris Kluwe, is not currently playing with any team. So on Sundays, he’s on Twitter commenting on a game. He commented on the amount of punting in the DAL vs PHI game. But the level of punting was not up to snuff for the Texans-Chiefs game. Apparently, it was so bad, he was considering turning it over to a Lifetime movie.
Dude. There is nothing so horrible in this world that would warrant turning on Lifetime or watching any of their movies. I’m a chick and I can’t stand that channel.
Eddie Lacy scores and my timeline is about how bad his Lambeau Leap was.
Then there were a lot of “Browns Suck” tweets.
John Kuhn did something, and even on Twitter, people go “KUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHN!” I’m at the point where I’m still amused enough, but it’s also starting to get annoying.
Then there was some play where the refs spotted the ball rather horribly. The referee crew was led by Jeff Triplette, who can’t tell his ass from a hole in the ground. He’s the Lance Easley of Real Refs. Everybody hates him. He’s just as bad with other teams as he is with the Packers, so the Triplette complaints by any fan of any team are valid.
Even the experts said that the call should be overturned when it was challenged, but remember who we’re dealing with here.
The bad call stood.
My Twitter TL looked something like this:
The call stood. Then they went to commercial. First up was a commercial for Outback Steakhouse, featuring the worst attempt at an Australian accent I’ve ever heard in my life. Really, Outback? The ad agency you hired could find a real Australian with a real Australian accent to do the voice over? Do you know how many Aussie actors live in the US? And you couldn’t find…one??
By the way, the score was Packers 14-Browns Zilch
There was a headbutt penalty on Cleveland and then the announcers were wringing their hands over the fact that James Jones and Randall Cobb were out with injuries. Solomon Willcots was so distraught, I thought he was actually going to break down and cry.
Jermichael Finley was having a good game. You wanna know how I know? The Finley haters were conspicuously absent from Twitter. It was nice to not see Finley hate tweets for once.
Solomon Willcots. What can I say? Well, a lot. This time, I noticed that he has a tendency to mix up his sports terms. Ain’t no home runs in football, Sol.
There are also way too many ads for Viagra and/or Cialis during football games. If I were visiting from another planet, I would be under the impression that the men of Earth are unable to achieve a boner without the aid of medication. Then I would feel sad for their women.
Actually, I think that erectile dysfunction is God’s way of telling you that you’re too old to be shagging and that there’s nothing wrong with cuddling.
Then Twitter was filled with Tramon Williams hate tweets because he committed a penalty. My back was to the TV, so I didn’t see the play, but there was also talk that it shouldn’t have been flagged because from where Tramon was, he couldn’t see that the receiver lost control of the ball. Oh, well.
First Tramon sucked and then the refs sucked.
We learned that Jay Cutler was injured. Someone on my TL wondered if he hyper-extended his uterus. Close. It was a groin injury.
So in Jay Cutler’s honor, I dedicate this to you. Sorry you won’t be well enough to play against the Packers in a couple of weeks and I hope you get well soon because even though it’s fun to make fun of you, it’s not cool when you’re injured, but it’s not as serious, so it’s okay to make a little fun of you.
It wouldn’t be a Packers game without some reference to cheese and/or the weather. If you were hoping to hear both, today was your lucky day. I don’t remember the exact words other than it was same dumb stuff I’ve been hearing from football announcers since 1985.
Oh, score is at this point 17-3, Packers.
During the second half, the Packers O seemed to be having a bad go of it, according to my TL.
There were a lot of tweets bemoaning the amount of penalties, but on the other hand this is Jeffy Triplette, who is under the impression he gets paid by the number of flags that get thrown and not by the game.
Score is now 17-6, Packers are still ahead.
My Twitter TL was filled with more: STUPIDEFFIN’REFS YOU SUCK! tweets.
Although blaming the refs is for weeners and division rivals who can’t accept that the Packers not only spanked you, but took you out to the woodshed to do it, this meme is making the approach towards that ramp directly in front of a pool of sharks. Cleveland, as crappy as they are, got a lot of help from the officials today.
And yet, they still played like shit.
Then Jermichael Finley went down and the player who did it did get a penalty for it. I hope he gets fined, legal hit or not. As I type this, there is no word yet on exactly what type of injury he received and how serious it is, but he lay on the field and from what the people at the game said, you could hear a pin drop. Finley was put on a back board and left the field on a stretcher. He did raise his arm, though, which is a good sign.
ETA: On Monday morning, there were reports that Finley was in ICU but that he was moving around, so if that’s true, that is a very, very, very good sign.
After that, Cleveland scored again, with help from the refs.
Have I told you how much I hate Jeff Triplette?
Since I was working on my project/taking notes/listening to the TV, there was a bit of a kerfluffle involving a failed attempt or two or three by Cleveland when they attempted an onside kick. I and everyone else figured that Jeffy T. would give the ball to the Browns, but he didn’t. He gave it to Green Bay.
Here is my shocked face.
Then, as I was settling back into my project and all that, there was another flag. This time it was for something called “illegal touching”.
How do they know that it was illegal? Does the one who was touched illegally go with Jeff and his crew under the hood, where Jeffy T. produces a doll and then asks, “Show me on the doll where the Bad Opponent touched you.”
But wait, it gets even better!
Solomon Willcots said the phrase “penetration on his face”.
Seriously. He really said this. Unfortunately, Chris Warcraft got bored and went off to do something else, because I’d really loved to have heard his reaction to that phrase.
What is this thing that CBS Sports has with acts of gay sex? First Dierdorf and now Willcots? Really? You can’t think of anything else to describe what happened without making it sound like there’s gay porn playing in the background while I work?
Then, at no extra charge, we were treated to a lecture on the origins of the “Keep Calm and Carry On” sign. Unless you were born yesterday, I think the majority of us are clear that this originated in Britain during World War 2. What next? A dissertation on the origins of “You’re not leaving this house without putting on clean underwear” or as one person on my TL said, an explanation of the phrase “he who smelt it, dealt it.”
Personally, this is my favorite of the “Keep Calm and…” signs:
There were some SPECIALTEAMSSUCKCUTCROSBYFIRESLOCUMHERPADERPDERP tweets when Mason Crosby missed a field goal. Like it mattered.
Final Score Packers 31-Browns 13.
The captains picture was cool, although what in the heck is Sitton doing with his face?
Next week, it’s off to the Humpty Dome for one last time to face That Certain Ex-Packer Who Gave Us 5 Years Worth of Bulletin Board Material Before the Season Started. (If I refer to him as “He Who Shall Not Be Named”, people think I’m talking about Brett Favre, which I’m not. The next time Favre comes to Lambeau, he won’t get booed this time.) I’m sure, with the way the Vikings are playing, everyone is going to pick the Packers. The game is on Sunday Night Football, and it’s been awhile since I’ve had a rash of Cris Collinsworth hate tweets on my TL. Most of them are funny.
If the ‘Queens beat the Giants, I fully expect to see their fans crawling out from under their rocks, wearing shiny, brand spanking new Josh Freeman jerseys. I don’t have much confidence in the Giants beating them or taking advantage when the Vikings eventually choke. Yeah, the NY Giants are horrid this year. On the other hand, the Broncoes lost last night, so maybe because Peyton didn’t win, this means Eli will have a good game and the Giants will get their first win of the season. Hmmmmm….
So here is your moment of zen, which is actually from the Sunday Night game. If I were this Bronco, I could never show my face in public again. Colts’ punter Pat McAffee knocked the hell out of this guy.
Even though Twitter bemoaned the fact that Pat McAfee wasn’t flagged for this hit, I think the league thinks that kickers and punters can’t do much damage if they manage to tackle the return guy with or without helmet, even though Punters Are People, Too.
Be back next week with the recap of the Packers vs. the Vikings. Expect a lot of “Carrie Underwood sucks” and “I liked Faith Hill Better” tweets.
And, even if you’re not a Packer fan or not religious, say a prayer or send positive thoughts and healing energy to Jermichael Finley’s way. In the grand scheme of life, football doesn’t matter right now. I’m not concerned with how long he will be out or how that affects the Packers. The only thing that matters is that he can recover and go out and be able to run around outside with his kids or live a full and rewarding post-football life.