It’s day 10 or 11 of the Great Government Clusterfuck Shutdown of 2013, and when you thought Congress’s approval ratings couldn’t get any lower, there are reports that Congress’s approval ratings did get even lower. One report had their approval rating at 5%, although the actual rate may vary anywhere from 5% to 11%.
Regardless of the rate, a metric ass-ton of Americans think Congress sucks. That said, I want to meet that 5-11% who still think Congress is doing a good job. Unless two year olds who barely have the motor skills to hold a pencil, much less read were allowed to take part in the survey, I can’t think of any sane person of either party who thinks Congress is doing a good job.
So I’ve decided to compile a list of things that are more popular than Congress. Ready? Here they are in no particular order:
1. Dryer lint
2. Yeast infections
5. New Coke (If you were born after 1980, Google it.)
6. The Macarena
7. The color commentary duo of Joe Buck & Troy Aikman
8. Nicki Minaj
9. Restless leg syndrome
10. Dealing with other people’s bratty kids in the store.
11. Gangham Style
12. That one booger that is dried onto your nose hairs, you have to pick it off with a Kleenex and you end up yanking out nose hairs by the root. And it hurts. Then it bleeds a little.
13. Erectile dysfunction
14. Explaining to your six-year-old why those two old people on TV are sitting side by side in separate bathtubs while desperately praying they don’t ask you what the letters “ED” stand for.
16. Ingrown toenails
17. When Bob Becker posts that picture of one of the Dallas Cowboys getting pantsed on Twitter.
— Bob Becker (@TheBobBecker) October 10, 2013
18. Jerry Jones picking his nose.
19. That moment when your gut starts to churn so badly and you have to make a mad dash for the bathroom before you have an unfortunate accident, only to have two little raisin-sized turds come out after 15 minutes of straining. Yes. This is more popular than Congress.
20. Packer fans’ opinion of Jay Cutler.
21. Packer fans’ opinion of Greg Jennings.
22. The Westboro Baptist Church
23. That “not so fresh” feeling.
24. Serial killers
25. Getting Rick Roll’d, except when you click on the link, it’s not a Rick Astley video. It’s something much, much worse.
26. Getting your period. On your wedding night. And all throughout your honeymoon.
28. When the technician who does your mammogram manages to squish both your boob and the pectoral muscle underneath with fifteen pounds of pressure between the plates and you can’t do deep breathing to get through the pain because you have to hold your breath while they take the picture.
29. Repeated viewings of Kevin Ware breaking his leg footage.
30. Billy Squier’s mincing, prancing, flailing and gadding about in the video for Rock Me Tonight. (Good song, horrendous video. As one You Tube commenter remarked “I’m gay and I can’t even pull off dancing moves like that.“)
31. That douchebag in the Porsche who parks so half-assed, that nobody can park near him. And there are no other parking spaces available. And you find yourself having difficulty resisting the urge to either leave a nasty note on his windshield or key the living hell out of his car.
32. Unnecessary and unwanted remakes of old movies.
33. The ##########
34. The song “Call Me Maybe”.
35. The ending to Lost.
36. Calls from telemarketers, despite the fact you’re no the Do Not Call list.
37. Jehovah’s Witnesses knocking on your door. (Swear to God, when I was a kid, the neighborhood had a very efficient early warning system for this involving a pipeline of children on bikes who acted as look-outs and when the telltale large van crammed full of people and Watchtowers was spotted, we’d go into the house and pretend nobody was home.)
38. The mass email from the co-worker who is shilling for their kid’s school fundraiser. This fundraiser does not involve candy bars, which everyone likes, but that ridiculously expensive wrapping paper that ends up in the trash. Bonus points if they include the line: “Don’t feel obligated.”
39. That one relative that includes you in their mass email blast of mainly utterly preposterous conspiracy theories that Snopes.com debunked in 1998.
40. Skip Bayless
41. Homework during Christmas vacation.
42. Fox Sports cutting away from the football game you specifically tuned into watch because they deemed it “non-competitive”.
43. That creepy Go Daddy commercial from this year’s Super Bowl. Yeah, the one with the hot chick and the stereotype of the nerd making out. And making noises while making out.
44. Getting kicked in the junk. By a Minnesota Viking.
45. Hearing about the Fail Mary from last year’s Packers-Seahawks game for the umpteenth bazillionth time. Yes. Even that is more preferable to our current Congress.
46. Pete Carroll’s gum chewing.
47. Incessant game requests on Facebook when you don’t play them, even after posting a snarky “Stop sending me this shit” update on your timeline.
48. That one person who goes on Twitter during Breaking Bad, Game of Thrones and/or Walking Dead and bitches about people live-tweeting the show because they don’t want any spoilers before they get to watch it next Saturday evening aka “Clean Out the DVR Night”.
50. Jar-Jar Fucking Binks. Yes, that annoying creature who singlehandedly ruined the Star Wars prequels is more popular than Congress.
If you can think of any other things that are more popular than Congress right now, feel free to add them to the comments.