NFL Week 4: An Apology to our Friends in the UK
The Packers have a bye during week 4, so I watched the heavily vaunted Vikings vs. Steelers playing in London. Rather than give the highlights, I realized that someone had to apologize to the Brits for this game.
Dear Citizens of the UK,
On behalf of the United States, I would like to offer an apology to you for what appears to be a great transgression committed on our part. The National Football League, rather Roger Goodell, is so determined to bring American football to you all, that he will do anything to get you guys interested in the game.
First, I would like to apologize for that obnoxious Vikings’ horn that made the trip across the pond. Even though you once “owned” us and treated us like crap with that whole business about making us pay taxes without having representation in your government and all and taxing tea and whatnot, not even you giving us Simon Cowell and Gordon Ramsey warrants punishment like that.
Second, I’d like to apologize for the fact that you had to pay all that money to watch two crappy teams play mediocre football. I know that the two teams who are chosen are done so a year ahead and there is no way to predict their records the next year, I still want to apologize, because the league should have known better than to pick the Minnesota Vikings, since they either start out the season like crap and continue their quest for mediocrity, or they start out strong and then have a mid-season meltdown.
Third, I would like to apologize for whoever decided that Gene Simmons should be the one to sing the US National Anthem. It was as every bit as bad on TV as I’m sure it was live and in person. If his attempt at hitting the high note traumatized you or caused damage to your hearing, I am sorry for that, because it traumatized us watching this, too.
And no, it’s not considered proper National Anthem Etiquette to do the heavy metal devil horns sign after the song is finished. Our national anthem isn’t exactly the type of music you’d headbang to. In fact, it’s a very difficult song to sing. It’s bad enough that the PA announcers in my country have to remind people to remove their hats when it’s time to play our National Anthem, because Americans don’t know proper anthem etiquette anymore.
In the interest of full disclosure, I am a Packers fan and I hate the Vikings with every fiber of my being, especially now more so because I live where the Vikings are considered the “home team”. I am rooting for Pittsburgh, and I hope they don’t suck and blow this game so I have to start referring to them as Shitsburgh. I generally have neutral feelings towards the Steelers, unless they are playing the Packers, one of the other NFC North teams or their winning or losing helps the Packers out in regards to the playoffs.
I should also apologize that, even though I lack evidence to prove this, that the Steelers were picked because their quarterback’s nickname is Big Ben. Like the clock. I’m sure some genius in marketing decided that it would be cute to have Big Ben play in the home of Big Ben. If this makes the vomit creep up your throat like it does for me, I am truly sorry for that.
Although you may be watching the TV broadcast with different announcers, I am still going to apologize for Jim Nantz and Phil Simms, especially Phil Simms. He lives up in the attic and he’s only brought out to announce football games and then he goes back up to the attic during the off season. He tends to ramble a bit and I think he got knocked around too much during his football playing days. I would like to make this up to you by sharing this GIF of Phil Simms teabagging himself. I apologize for the size, but the file was too big to upload at regular size.
As bad as Sims and Nantz may be, at least they are not as bad as Matt Lauer and Meredith Viera during the 2012 Olympics. They made me very embarrassed to be an American.
I would also like to offer an apology for your being exposed to Jared Allen’s stupid little rodeo post-sack dance. It’s bad enough when I have to see this, but you don’t deserve it. I was under the impression that post-sack dances were now illegal, because our Clay Matthews can no longer do the Predator, but maybe the refs decided to overlook this on orders from the Head Cheese because he doesn’t want you to know that NFL really stands for “No Fun League.”
I would also like to apologize for Greg Jennings. I shouldn’t have to because I am done with him, but he has really bad karma right now and I would hate for the people of your country to have Greg Jennings’ bad karma rub off on you. But if sometime in the near future, bad luck befalls the people of the United Kingdom, I will know why.
I would also like to deeply apologize for this:
The fact that the Vikings mascot is horrendous aside, I don’t think it’s wise to mock the Palace Guards by pretending to be a member of the Legion of the Water Buffalo, the fraternal organization to which the animated and fictional character Fred Flintstone belonged.
I will not apologize for Christian Ponder being injured and not playing, because the game would have been much worse if he were the starter. However, I will apologize profusely for the existence of Vikings fans because I think that being dropped on one’s head as a child is the only reason someone would actually like the Minnesota Vikings.
I would also like to apologize for whoever bribed all those Brits to put on Vikings jerseys to make it appear as if the Vikings have a lot of fans. As a fan of their hated division rival, Vikings fans tend to be a fickle lot who jump on and off the bandwagon so much, they should be skinnier than they actually are from all the exercise. They’re also not the sharpest knives in the drawer, either. See this screenshot from 2011 when the Fox Network decided that Sioux Falls, which is technically Vikings country, but not their home TV market, would get the Packers game instead.
So those of us in the know were not fooled one bit by the Commish’s trickery. It’s only fair to let you in on it, too.
If you, the good people of Britain, feel the need to retaliate against us for bringing American Football to your country, but not bringing the best of American Football to your country, please remember that I am just the messenger and I also feel your pain. Also keep in mind that Americans are very obsessed with your Royal Family, which I’m sure helps to fuel the British economy in some way, shape or form. Even though I sat in my comfy chair in my living room in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, US of A (the largest city in the state where Mount Rushmore, Crazy Horse Monument and the Mitchell Corn Palace are located.), I felt sorry that of all the teams that the league had to pick, they sent you the Minnesota Vikings, who nearly choked today as they are often known to do.
At least you’ll be spared from the obnoxiousness of Vikings fans who will now crawl out of their burrows, wearing their shiny new Matt Cassell jerseys and loudly announce that they’ve already booked their hotel rooms in New York next February when the Vikings go to the Super Bowl.
Socially Acceptable Again To Wear Minnesota Vikings Jerseys, Sweatshirts In Public
— Fake Argus Leader (@FakeArgusLeader) September 29, 2013
Hopefully, my dear UK friends, the NFL will get it right and actually send you two teams that are entertaining and worth watching. I’m actually thinking a good demonstration of how great American Football is would be to have you witness the oldest rivalry in the NFL: Packers vs. Bears. But the walls at the end zone have to be regulation Lambeau Leap height or it won’t work. And yes, you have to give our players back after they leap into the stands.
On the other hand, there’s Jay Cutler, Bears QB, emo kid, taker of smoke breaks, and subject of many, many memes.
And everyone knows the Lambeau Leap + Todd Rundgren is far greater than that damned Vikings horn or that song “Bear Down, Chicago Bears.”
And what’s up with “bear down” anyway? Are they singing about taking a dump that is not the proper S shape and proper consistency that Doctor Oz seems to be obsessed with?
Yes, a Packers-Bears game at Wembley would be quite splendid, indeed. Especially if the Bears lose. Thanks to apps and the Internet, you might even get to stream Chicago sports talk radio after the game. I guarantee the lulz will be numerous.
I heard that Jacksonville might be playing a future game at Wembley. I will apologize in advance for that. In fact, if I’m not mistaken, sending the Jags to the UK for your entertainment violates some clause in the Geneva Convention. You still have time to put a stop to it. But act fast on this or the window will close and you’ll be stuck having to watch even worse football than you watched today.
Til we meet again, Great Britain…Don’t know where, don’t know when, but I’m sure I will be apologizing for another mediocre contest between two really sucky teams.
Until then, cheerio and all that,
P.S. If you ever decide to visit South Dakota, the best time to come is late September/Early October. Summer crowds are gone, the leaves are turning, there’s the Buffalo Round-up at Custer State Park, the Badlands are lovely this time of year, hotel rates are cheaper, gas is cheaper and the weather is still nice.
P.P.S. Yes, there are trees in South Dakota. And no, it’s not all flat, either.
P.P.P.S. FYI, the Mitchell Corn Palace is very popular with German tourists. Why this is, I do not know, but do I know this from personal experience because when I went there, there were a lot of people there speaking German.
P.P.P.P.S. We will return to our regularly scheduled Packers recap next week when the Green & Gold meet Stompy McTantrum and the Motor City Kitties.
P.P.P.P.P.S. Actually, that might be a good match-up for a future NFL in London game.
P.P.P.P.P.P.S. This PS thing is getting out of hand. I will stop now.