Hello! I’m blogging this from my aunt’s basement in Menasha, Wisconsin as I’m on a vacation or working vacation. Came back for my 25th high school reunion (which I will write more on later), going to watch Packers practice, and a trip to Half-Price books is also on my agenda. This is a “working” vacation, as I will have several moments of down time.
This week’s topic for Monday Listicles is right up my alley because I have an entire board on Pinterest dedicated to the weird, disturbing and strange things I see online. I must warn you that some of these may not be safe for work or safe for anyone reading while eating.
Ready? Here we go. (All images link back to my Pinterest page).
1. This vinyl shower hood.
It’s not a shower “cap”; it’s a shower “hood”. I suppose it’s meant to keep your beehive hairdo from wilting in the shower steam. But here’s where I’m confused. Did someone prank this woman prior to her shower and draw on her face with a Sharpie while she was asleep or is this the “glamour trim” referred to in the ad?
2. Inflatable Unicorn Horn for Cats
“Cats love it!” claims the ad. Yes, I can tell by the angry death glare that this cat loves having an inflated condom/butt plug on his head.
3. A Bronze Casting of Your Lips
In 1972, they couldn’t just come right out and say that you could have your girlfriend make her “O” face, cover her mouth in “their goo” and after you mail it back, you get your very own bronze sex toy. Nope. They had to employ subtlety back then. The walnut base is a ruse.
4. Grow Your Chest Hair through Psychokenisis
Back in the 1970′s, there was no such thing as “manscaping”. Nope. The hairier the chest, the more masculine you were. Men were not high maintenance back then. Real men had hair. Chest hair, arm hair, leg hair, pit hair, facial hair and pubic hair. Unlike the men of today, men of the 70s were more confident and didn’t feel the need to take the weed whacker to trim around the stones in order to make them look bigger.
Unfortunately, for the hairless male, this standard made them to feel inadequate, so ads like this targeted the insecure male with the smooth chest, beguiling them with the chance at obtaining their own hairy, manly chest to attract the ladies.
Psychokenisis is the ability to move things with your mind. When I think of psychokenisis, I think of people bending spoons with the power of their minds, not forcing body hair to grow.
I think the gentleman in this ad put a tad too much thought into this because the chest hair is migrating over the shoulders and down the back.
5. Quick Whiskers
If, for some reason, you’re unwilling or able to grow out your own moustache, you can get this fake one you tape on, plus a “starter bottle” of Black Watch Cologne. Whatever that is. Be sure to specify if you want traditional, straight across, Continental or devilishly curly. Which option is for 70s porn ‘stache?
6. The Eye of Sauron Souffle Salad.
Okay, it’s an olive in the middle, but you have to admit that this is not only evil, but food should not make you feel like you’re being watched.
7. This can of soup.
One question: is Ten Dogs’ Penis Soup meant for canine consumption or human consumption? On second thought, I’m not sure I want to know.
8. This “Personal Massager”.
We all know what this is for and it’s not gonna be used on your neck. In hindsight, especially knowing the contribution that the Beatles made to music in general, this is beyond the boundaries of good taste.
9. A Nativity Scene made Entirely from Tampons
And the three wise men doth come bearing gifts for the new Savior: Tampax, Playtex and Kotex.
Last but not least…
10. This cook book.
Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-based recipes. Now you can jazz up your meals with a little jizz. Name one straight man who would knowingly eat something containing another person’s or god forbid the family dog’s baby batter. The book doesn’t specify where the actual semen comes from.