The following is a quiz about questionable edibles from old cookbooks. The quiz is multiple choice. Choose the answer that best answers the question.
1. This is:
A. A doorstop
C. A baseball-sized boil in desperate need of lancing.
2. The card describes this dish as “food that goes places”. What does this mean?
A. It travels well to potlucks.
B. It tastes better the second time, which makes it good to pack in a lunch.
C. The “place” on this card refers to the toilet bowl after this dish goes out the same way it went in.
3. This cake is:
A. A clever idea to serve for Easter dessert.
B. The predecessor to the amazing cake creations we see on Food Network.
C. Guaranteed to traumatize your children.
4. This is:
A. Easter Shortcake
B. What happens when you mix Easter candy and an entire bottle of Rumplemint the night before.
C. Who cares about the puke on a plate? What in the hell are those things in the back?
5. The name of this dish is Macaroni and Beef Bonus Salad. What is the bonus?
A. Extra protein to offset the starch from the macaroni.
B. If you put one of those pasta shells up to your ear, you can hear your blood sugar go up.
C. The bonus is what part of the cow the “beef” came from.
6. This is:
A. A creative way to serve stuffed fish.
B. Your ticket to never having to bring the main course to the department potluck again.
C. A fish autopsy from the new show, CSI:Atlantis.
7. This is:
B. Veal Roll-ups
C. Congealed dog turds
8. This summer barbeque spread is:
A. Casual, yet elegant.
B. Not semi-homemade enough for Sandra Lee.
C. The floppy franks and tiny beans are a passive-aggressive effort on the wife’s part to get even with her husband for some 1950′s sexist infraction he committed against her.
9. This salmon/shrimp dish is:
A. A cute looking presentation.
B. The yin and yang of regrettable food.
C. Totally doing a 69.
10. The name of this dish is “Cloven Footers”. When is it appropriate to serve this?
A. When you’re trying to lose weight.
B. Church of Satan potluck
C. Trick question. This dish is never appropriate to serve anywhere or any time.
The title given on this card claims there is chicken in this dish. However, there is none to be seen. Choose from the following an appropriate name for this dish.
A. Roasted tumors with low-cal Pus Dip and a side of Sliced Gall Bladder in a Balsamic marinade.
B. Slugs in a Blanket
C. Bukkake on Toast
If you answered mostly A’s, you might want to work on both your sense of humor and your culinary skills.
If you answered mostly B’s, you have potential. Potential for what? I don’t know. You just have potential.
If you answered mostly C’s, congratulations, you’re as demented and twisted as I am.