In spite of the wind and the gray day last week, I went out for a walk. When I go for a walk, my mind tends to take off in whatever direction it feels like. On this particular day, it was my faith.

I’m a spiritual, but not religious person raised a Christian who is dipping my toes into Buddhism. The faith I was raised in troubles me greatly these days. I’ve struggled with this for a long time.

I grew up in the United Methodist Church. The UMC is one of those “liberal” churches who preach more about the Good News of the New Testament. I went to Sunday School and listened to the lessons that Jesus himself taught and the parables he told. I grew up believing that God was loving and forgiving and that we are not to judge others. We are supposed to show compassion towards others, even those who are different or less than desirable than we are.

My father was Catholic. However, I can only think of two times where he willingly went to Mass. I was six years old and remembered this because I went with him. I didn’t understand what was going on and all the kneeling confused me. I decided that the communion in my church was better because you were served in your seat.

So I grew up mainly in one religious tradition while the other parent could not be bothered to set foot in his own church. This is also when I learned about religious hypocrisy. It started in my own household.

But somewhere between my childhood Sunday School lessons and 2013, Christianity changed and not for the better. It’s like Christianity is a badge or a status symbol or a place to be seen but the lessons are not put into practice.

I don’t see people practicing Christianity. I do see people throwing Christianity in other people’s faces.

I’m an action person. It’s one thing to say the words. It’s something else to live them. I see a lot of speaking and not much action.

I see a lot of intolerance in the faith where the Messiah himself washed the feet of his disciples, associated with undesirable people, and spoke in the Sermon on the Mount that we should remove the log in our own eye before pointing out in the speck of sawdust in someone else’s eye.

I see people who will gleefully bring up that verse in Leviticus, and yet, ignore these verses from the Book of Matthew:

7 “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. ² For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

This is not the faith I grew up in.

I did not grow up to see people of my faith cheer laws passed that could mean that innocent children go hungry.

I did not grow up in a faith to see someone say “Jesus loves you” and then turn around and break the 9th Commandment when they bear false witness against their neighbor, or in this case the President of the United States.

I did not grow up to see my faith be corrupted by false prophets who preach prosperity, greed and hate, and who happily pit “us” versus “them” for their own gain.

I did not grow up to see my Christian faith become something where I am not allowed to question things and I’m expected to fall into line, shut up and do as I’m told.

I did not grow up to see people use sacred symbols of my Christian faith, such as the Nativity, to pick fights with people who don’t agree with them.

I’ve become disillusioned with Christianity.

I’ve been dipping my toes into the waters of Buddhism.

Buddhism is a practice. There is no God or gods in Buddhism. It’s a non-theist faith. But it appeals to me.

It appeals to me because in order to find enlightenment, you actually have to do the work.

There are precepts, but no dogma. Not only is it okay to question things, it’s encouraged.

There are Four Noble Truths.

The world is full of suffering.

All suffering is caused by want and desire.

There is a way to cease suffering.

That way is the Eightfold Path.

The Eightfold Path seems like a no-brainer.

Don’t speak ill of others. Don’t lie. Don’t gossip. Make an effort to see things as they really are. Do not harm others. Be mindful. Make an effort to improve yourself and the world around you. Show compassion.

And yet, we as a society can’t seem to grasp this concept.

I’m not suggesting that this is easy to do, because it’s not. Much of what we do as humans, we are really not aware of doing things. And if someone points it out to us, and it’s something we don’t want to hear, we’ll get angry and deny it.

That’s where being mindful comes in.

And then there’s karma.

Karma is not what most people think it is. Karma is not retribution, nor is it justice, nor is it predetermined.

Karma is the result of your actions. There is good karma and bad karma. Good karma is when you are kind, compassionate, and do good things and good things result because of that. You may not be the direct beneficiary of your own good deeds, but that good deed you did for another person may come back to you when someone else does something nice for you.

Bad karma is when you lie, cheat, steal or harm others. Bad karma continues until you stop those actions that are causing your bad karma. You will continue in this negative cycle until you know what it feels like to be lied to, cheated on, robbed or harmed by someone else and you’ve gained the wisdom from it so that you can stop.

Buddhism also seeks the middle path, the path of non-extremism. Yoga and meditation are also part of Buddhism.

I do yoga and meditation and a part of my wellness. But as I do more of this, I find that I need more spiritually and my Christian faith is not giving me what I need. It’s like I’m thirsty but when I try and take a drink from the Christian brand of bottled water, it doesn’t quench my thirst at all.

After a week or two of dipping my toes into Buddhism, I reached out to my mother-in-law. Our history is very contentious, to put it mildly. She left a comment on my blog, the same type as she has in the past. It was meant to push a button.

Ten years ago, it would have pushed a button. Ever since the yoga, the meditation and reading about Buddhism, that button no longer works.

I e-mailed her and started a dialogue.

With the woman who did such incredible things behind my back to try and break up my marriage.

The same woman my husband tried to get a restraining order against because she was stalking him.

She went through some pretty incredible lengths to try and break us up. And it hasn’t worked.

I’ve moved on. My husband hasn’t.

I reached out to her because it was the right thing to do. I even offered to talk with her psychiatrist or do a session via Skype if she wanted me to do so.

She apologized to me for the things she’s done. We both agree that it does neither of us any good to rehash the past because it’s the past.

 

As I walked on that gray and windy day, I mentally started composing a break-up letter with Christianity. I became spiritual but not religious because I could not give up the idea that there is a power in this universe that is much greater than myself and that power I called God. I became spiritual, but not religious because I didn’t need to go to a church on Sunday to feel closer to God. All I had to do was to get in my car and drive about two hours west to the Missouri River and cross it. Then when I see the empty, practically unspoiled land in front of me, I feel the closest to God because God created that. Not man. God.

The mental break-up letter is the furthest I’ve ever gone towards converting to another faith. Although Buddhism can work in concert with my Christian faith, it’s not Christianity itself that’s the problem. It’s what Christianity has become. It’s how the loudest and the most extreme and hateful voices now speak for the faith.

The Middle-Way appeals to me more.

I can’t belong to a faith that hates, even though the hate is in the extreme. But the extreme is, for better or worse, the voice of the faith.

I’ve never seen a hateful Buddhist. I don’t think any wars were started in the name of Buddhism, either.

I can’t hate. I have no energy left to hate. I spent too many years consumed with anger over things that happened in the past and the unfairness of life and what I could have been if things had been different. That anger did not get me anywhere except for a nervous breakdown and a complete re-evaluation of my life.

I have no room in my life for hating other people. Nor is there room for anger. I don’t have the energy to concern myself with what other people do with their own lives.

I would rather focus on things I can control. I would rather focus on generosity, compassion and being the best person I could be.

And I’m coming to realize that in order for me to do these things; I have to get rid of the baggage.

And that baggage is my Christian Faith.

Maybe I can come back to it someday, or have it co-exist with Buddhism.

But right now, Christianity is a big well of negativity that I need to eliminate from my life.

Don’t worry, I won’t try and convert you to Buddhism. People don’t do that.

Your path is your path and you have to follow the path you know is right for you.

But you must also respect the path that others take, too. It may not be your path, but it is someone else’s right path.

Because there is no one right path.

There is the one right path for you.

And really, all of those paths end up at the same destination.